Trust -- One corner of the foundation of your relationship

I like to think of the foundation for a parent/child relationship as a block that can be built upon. The four corners of the block are trust, love, respect and principle. Forming the solid block begins the day a baby is born.
Can my child trust me? Do I value their confidences? If not, I cannot expect my child to be trustworthy. My example contributes far more to the values and lessons I give my children than my lectures ever will.
Trust and respect look a lot a like during the early years and do go hand-in-hand as our children grow. Just like our children, we need to be trustworthy of our child's trust. It's not a given.

Do I show up when I say I will?
Do I honor their privacy appropriately?
Do I follow through on commitments made to my children?
Am I honest not only in my dealings with my children but with everyone?

I'm struck by the situations parents are faced with regularly. You're going to dinner, the amusement park, the movies, or any number of places. Your child missed the child's rate, but he looks young. Do you go for the child's fare or pay the right price for his age? It's tempting to think that your child won't notice, but trust is an attitude. The few dollars you save may cost you far more in the long run by sending the message to your child that it's ok to cheat and that being trustworthy is not important. On the other hand, the parent who chooses to do the right thing will be sending an important message to his child. If you're going to be honest with strangers. they trust that you will always be honest with them.

Family Meals

Don't underestimate the power of family meals. Some might say to make an effort to have at least 3 family meals together each week. I say go for at least 7. Things may come up to keep you from making that every week, but if the expectation isn't even there, it will never happen.
Parents say that since family meals was an expectation and an enjoyable time in their home, as their children got older, they found that their kids planned their activities around dinner time. The kids may be heading out with friends for the evening, but they did so after dinner.
Meal time isn't a discipline time. You can teach a lot about good manners by simply modeling them and acknowledging good behavior.
Here are some fun ideas to include in your family meals:

• Encourage your children to come up with the menu. Take them shopping to get the ingredients for the dinner and have them help cook it.
• Everyone brings a new word to the table. You can play Dictionary where 4 meanings for the word are given and everyone has to decide which meaning is correct. Or you can just share the word and the meaning. Then during the next 24 hours everyone should try to use the new words correctly in sentences. The next night before giving other words, everyone tells how they used the word.
• Everyone throws prompts into a bowl such as, "If I could go anywhere in the world, I would go to ...... because......" Take turns pulling prompts out of the bowl to get conversations going.
• After dinner is over, one family member reads a chapter from a book aloud. Other members can listen at the table or may start doing the dishes.
• Occasionally, bring out the good dishes and silver and make the table fancy. Who better to serve with your best dishes than your family? At the very least, have dinner by candle light periodically.

Have fun! Laugh! Enjoy one another.

Love Languages

Have you ever done something for one of your children or even your spouse which you considered to be a huge expression of love and it was met with little or no reaction? Perhaps it was because your action wasn't delivered in the right language -- Love Language that is. Gary Chapman has written several books on the topic of love languages. I think it is such a neat concept. Basically, his theory is that all of us speak one of five love languages as our primary language. The languages are:

*Small gifts -- A little gift like the chocolate wrapped to look like a soccer ball means more to the new soccer team member than being told what an awesome job making the team.

*Quality time -- Nothing makes you feel more loved than to have someone say they'll go to the grocery store with you or suggest that you take a walk together.

*Acts of service --An offer of a helping hand makes your day!

*Physical touch -- This can be a hug, a pat on the shoulder or even rough-housing.

*Words of affirmation -- The person who speaks this love language, appreciates compliments, such as, you look really nice today or you did a fantastic job on the yard.

We tend to speak our love language to everyone and don't take the time or have the knowledge to know when another love language would be more appreciated. The first step to learning about love languages is to decide which one you speak. The best way to do that is to ask yourself which one of the acts above would hurt you the most if your spouse failed to do it. Which one would you appreciate the most? They're probably the same. That's your love language. Then ask your family members the same questions to determine their primary language.

A parent who was going through some challenging times with one of her children remembered that when he was little, he loved to have his back rubbed. She thought she would try the Love Language of Physical Touch. She reported a real change of attitude when she started making the effort to rub his back, put her arms around his shoulders and even the good-humored pokes. Another parent found her that her daughter opened up from the simple discovery of a chocolate on her pillow.

To find out more information on this idea, I recommend reading any of the books in the Love Language series. My favorite is "The World's Easiest Guide to Family Relationships" by Gary Chapman. It's an easy, fun read with bits of humor thrown in. It explains all of the Love Languages and takes you through all of the family relationships starting with dating. He also has Love Languages for Teens, for Children, for couples..all sorts of them!

POTTY TRAINING TIPS FOR SUCCESS:
(As always, these are ideas. You may be led to do something else. That’s fine. The most important advice I can share is to relax and have fun. When kids are ready and you take advantage of their readiness, they almost potty train themselves.)

Begin by preparing your thought. This will not be the most miserable experience in your life. In fact, it can be fun.
Bring the potty out to the area of the house where you spend the most time. Encourage your child to sit on it – with diapers on or off. It doesn’t matter at first.
Read books about potty training. There are many titles to choose from. You and your child might have visiting the bookstore together to pick out a few.
Choose a time that you’re child will always try to use the potty. Some suggestions might be: first thing in the morning, right after lunch, just before bath. Make it a routine.
(Personal opinion – however, several parents agree with me and this is what I have witnessed in my experience of watching many children go through the training process.) With few exceptions, Pull-Ups do nothing to help with potty training and actually do damage to the process.
As your child becomes accustomed to using the potty at one regular time during the day, add another and another.
Do not begin the actual potty training until your child can use the potty with success. Sitting on the potty will help your child become more relaxed. Until they are relaxed and comfortable sitting on the potty, they will not release their urine or bowels.
Once your child is able to stay dry for at least an hour (most will say 2-4 hours, but some children can stay dry longer but just don’t while in diapers) and has demonstrated that he can use the potty successfully, watch for signs of interest.
The signs include:

• being interested when others go to the bathroom
• wanting to go to the bathroom with others
• telling you when he’s wet or dirtied his diapers or is about to
• telling you that he has to go to the bathroom
• can follow simple one command instructions, such as, throw away the napkin.

Potty training should begin when you see these indications. The window is open. Seize the moment. And any other adage that applies…Go for it. They don’t always pick the best time for you, but waiting until you’re ready or the time is right for you, may mean missing their window of opportunity.
Go to the store with your child. Let them pick out the “coolest” type of underwear they can find. Let them know that they can wear it as soon as they are able to keep their diapers dry and clean. We wouldn’t want to mess up Bob, the Builder, Ariel or whoever.
When dedicated potty training begins, buy a timer – the kind that dings or rings or makes any other sound.
The timer should be set for a half hour so that your child is trying every half hour. If they use the potty successfully, set the timer for an hour. Then go back to half hours until they use the potty again.
When the timer goes off, say, “The timer says it’s time to go to the potty.” This is more impersonal than your saying it’s time to go. Plus it’s hard to argue with a timer.
After announcing it’s time to go to the potty, give choices that are equally acceptable to you. Each choice should lead you closer to the desired goal – your child sitting on the potty. Examples: “Would you like to take this little guy with you or leave it here until you’re finished?” Would you like to walk or would you like for me to carry you?” And so on.
Never ask, “Would you like to try to use the potty?” There’s no need to ask that question. I can already answer it for you. The answer is “No.” They would rather do whatever they are doing.
I’m a big believer in rewards for potty training– not big rewards. When your child uses the potty, clap your hands, sing songs, dance around like crazy, loose all sense of dignity. This is big! The end of diapers is in sight. Doesn’t that make you want to sing, dance and shout for joy? In addition, you can give your child a treat, but the clappying and singing may be enough. Some ideas that parents have used in the past are:
o 1 M&M
o a sticker
o light the candle when they sit on the potty. If they use it successfully, they get to blow the candle out.
o the child places a sticker on a poster board. When dad comes home, the child climbs up on daddy’s lap and shares the successes.
o Be creative. What speaks the most to your child?

I will never forget sitting in my office one day with a colleague when the phone rang. When I answered it, a little voice on the other end said, "Mrs. Dutton, I just went peepee in the potty." This was big news. Indeed, worthy of a call to one of his teachers. My colleague, being used to working with high school students got quite a kick out of this call!

Once you switch from diapers to pants, don’t go back to diapers. The exception is bedtime. If they’re in pants during the day, they may still need diapers at night. Once they’re trained during the day, it’s usually within a couple of weeks that they are able to stay dry at night.
Because you should avoid going back to diapers after switching to pants, be sure they’re ready for the switch. They should be keeping the pants clean for about a week before the switch. No hard and fast rule. You’ll know.
Staying dry at night is more of a bladder development issue than a training issue. If your child is having trouble staying dry all night, take them to the potty just before you go to bed at night. Take them in the middle of the night. And cut out beverages after dinner.
A clever idea for cutting down on the time it takes to change sheets in the middle of the night is to layer the bed with a water-proof mattress cover, then a sheet, then another water-proof mattress cover and sheet. Continue for at few layers. If your child has an accident in the middle of the night, simply pull off the top sheet and water-proof mattress cover and go back to bed.
Children will continue to need reminders even after they are trained, especially if they’re busy. Tell the child that it’s time to go rather than asking if they would like to go.
Be prepared to visit the bathroom every time you are out. We used to call it the “Potty Tour.”
· Some fun ideas shared by other parents –
o Have your child potty train a doll or toy figure while they’re also potty training. It will help cement the concept for them. You know you never really know something unless you’ve taught it.
o Target practice (for boys): Put a couple of Fruit Loops in the toilet. Challenge your son to sink them. For BM (girls and boys): Again, can they sink the cereal?
o Add red or blue food coloring to the water in the toilet. When they urinate, the water turns orange or green. That’s pretty cool to them – and teaches about color.

Enjoy the process. Relax. "No more diapers" is in sight!

Respect -- A gift to our children and teens

Respect -- Most parents would agree that they want and expect their children/teens to treat adults with respect. They probably even spend a lot of time demanding and teaching their children/teens to be respectful. But they may be missing an essential element. You can never really teach a child/teen to be respectful until you first show the child/teen respect!

Respect begins the first day that baby enters the world and comes pretty natural for most parents. When the baby cries, you answer.

Other ways we show respect to our children:

*Truly determing the reason for our babies' cries and meeting that need

*Respecting their schedule. Sure there are times when they will nap on the run, but balancing that with good naps in their crib and working within their time schedule

*Avoiding the temptation to overschedule children

*Telling children good-bye and when you will be back. (Avoiding the temptation to sneak out the door because your child is happily playing.)

*Honoring their privacy unless you have a valid reason not to.

And the list could go on. I'm sure you can think of your own ways of showing respect to your childrent and teenagers.

One parent admitted that she didn't fully understand the benefits of telling her children good-bye and when she would be back until her children began to drive. She did it because she had been told to and didn't see any harm in it. Although, she was quite certain that it meant nothing to her small children when she first began. But everytime she left, she said good-bye and told even her babies that mommy would be home at whatever time -- not that they could tell time!
She continued this practice and would even call home to let them know that her plans had changed. Instead of coming home after the Mall run, she was going to swing by the grocery store or whatever!
Many years later the payoff came. Her oldest reached driving age. Guess what! She never had to teach her daughter to always let her know where she was going, who she would be with and when she would be home. Nor did she have to tell her to call home when plans changed. This is just what they did in their house. Mom and dad did it. It made sense that she would show them the same respect they had always shown her.
Live, breathe and be RESPECT. It will come naturally to your children!